A call you never wish to make.

Betty, Vet Tech: “(Name of vet clinic), may I help you?”

Me: “Umm…yes, I was wondering if I could speak to Dr. (Mojo’s vet), please?”

Betty: “Oh, Dr. (Mojo’s vet) isn’t here today, is there something I can help you with?”

Me: “Well, umm, I’m not sure. I guess so. I don’t know if I should speak with someone or not? You see, yesterday…the last two walks my dog’s gone one…both times he pooped, and, well, in the poop that he did at lunch I noticed there was a whole condom in it, and my boyfriend said there were parts of one in his evening poop.”

To Betty’s credit, she took the whole situation in stride. Perhaps she hears this kind of thing all the time. I would like to think so, but if she doesn’t, at least she pretended that she does. She asked me if Moj was listless (no), vomiting (no), if his habits have changed (he is still a turd), and if he’s eating normally (definitely). Since I gave her the all-clear on those, she told me just to watch for constipation, bloody stool, or diarrhea. If none of those things happen, he should have passed anything odd that he ate within 48 hours.

What I didn’t tell Betty is that I am even more grossed out because:

1) There are not any of the afore-mentioned items in my house, so they are of unknown origin, and,
2) There were no bits of foil or heavy paper in the poop, leading Steve and I to the conclusion that they were probably already used.

I just puked a little bit in my mouth typing up that list.

Anyways, in about five minutes I’m headed out to lunch, where I will go home, suit up the dog, and take him for (hopefully?) another Prophylactic Poop Parade. I guess we’ve dodged a bullet here. Something really horrible could have happened, like the condoms blocking his intestines up. But in dodging a bullet, I feel like I have smacked into a big, slimy, wall o’ Disgusting.

Before I end this, though, I’m going to put up this photo of Moj I took the other day, to remind me how freakin’ adorable he is, how much I love him and how, deep down, I know that every piece of condom-y crap that I pick up will make me feel incredibly grateful that nothing worse happened to him.




Moj is also proudly displaying his collar bling here – an orange and blue “M” that he has worn since the Bears football season began, and he will (shockingly) continue to wear at least through next Sunday, because two days ago we won our first of 2 playoff games. Whoa.