"My old best friend Heidi had gotten engaged to a TOTAL jerk, the Earth was destroyed in a nuclear holocaust...."

If you, too, are shamefully addicted to The Hills, you should really watch this.

And yes, I said shamefully, and I didn't mean to write shamelessly. Oh, no, I have TONS of shame that I can't get enough of this show. I hang on every word that Lauren Conrad says in her raspy-yet-come-hitherish voice. My insides well up with hot rage whenever Horse-Toothed Spencer comes on. Seriously, there has to be a plastic surgeon in L.A. that can reconstruct his lips so he doesn't have that stupid sneer all the time. And Heidi! She's such a brainwashed train wreck. I'm compelled to feel just a little bit sorry for her. But then she and Spencer do some more stupid shit, and I hate her all over again. And when Elodie told Heidi in the last episode that "she can't even tell right from wrong anymore," and that it's "so sad?" Oh my god. Awesome.

I think my favorite, though, is Audrina. She just seems to coast through life with fantastic hair and beautful skin, and a pair of gams I would sell my dog for. Even though Logical Me knows that her sweetness is probably stemming from the fact that she's sort of dim....whatever. I am actually pulling for her relationship with Justin Bobby to work out, even if he is a total chode.