I stand corrected, etc.

Update: I came home from work on the day of my fiery entry about the green CR-V whose owner can’t parallel park, only to find that the culprit had, yet again, parked nine feet from the curb. This time it looked like she had just pulled into the spot head-on. Well, I was tired/hungry/in a fightin’ mood, so I went upstairs, went to my desk, took out a Post-it note and angrily scrawled:

“Dear Green CR-V:

Stop parking 3 feet from the curb. Learn how to parallel park.

Thanks.”

OOOOOOH. So nasty. It was SO ON. Anyways, I suited Mojo up for a walk and took off outside.

Too bad that 6:30 p.m. on my block turned out to be prime Hang Out and Be Noticed time. There were people everywhere. People getting picked up, people walking by….and right as I was crossing the street to get nearer to the CR-V to place my Dastardly Note, the owner of the CR-V came running down the block. I’m not sure what she was running from, but she was running at the dog and me, so of course Mojo went berserk. And she looked down at him and said, “Puppy, puppy, you are so fierce!” She put out her hand for him, Mojo wagged his tail and sniffed her shoe, and she ran into her house.

I crumpled up my note and stuck it in my pocket. Maybe my mom was right about Nice People not leaving notes. And, well, I GUESS you could be a shitty driver but still be a nice person. Plus, she likes my dog. Anyone who likes my dog is ok with me.

I will shut up about the Green CR-V from now on.

****

So, for those of you who don’t frequent my Flickr account, here’s me in my new specs:



Click on the photo to get a gander at the pointy chin that I inherited from my mother that I'm hiding in this picture. I really feel for Jay Leno.

Anywho, I’ve been getting pretty rave reviews on the specs, so far. And, well, even if I didn’t, I think I would still love them, because I love orange, and I enjoy being able to actually see out of my glasses. Bonus on top of bonus!

****

Some other things:

1) My DS Lite came! Hurrah! It's so small! And sleek! And the picture is so crisp!

2) Marn is back from a brief hiatus due to a death in the family. I’m so happy to see her blogging again. She was one of the first bloggers I ever read, and I enjoy reading about the goings-on of a couple in their hand-made cabin in the wilderness of Canada. Go say hello.

3) My friend Kieran just made a website, and, although there's not much to it yet, I think you will agree that it is fabulous.

4) My personalized Google How-To of the day was “How to Be Organized." I’m excited for this one, because I really trust wikiHow’s How To’s. I mean, they showed me How to Deal with Abusive Street Teens, and how to Transform My Dollhouse into a Faerie Dollhouse, both of which I thought I’d NEVER master. I trust wikiHow with my life.

5) Steve showed me some of the shots of Daniel Radcliffe posing nude that has sparked a media storm, such as this:



As he was showing them to me, he kept saying things such as:

“He’s too skinny.”
“He has a strange-shaped head.”
“Look at how wide his treasure trail is!! It's freakish!”

To which I responded with:

“Umm, could you scroll down to the next picture, please?"

Then I drooled a little bit on Steve’s shoulder, and asked him if he’d fancy a trip to London to see Radcliffe's play. Fine. I think Harry Potter is a Hottie-Hot McHottington. I admit it. I’m ok with it. So there.

Tidbits.

It's Tuesday, I'm tired, and it's really, really cold, so first I have to bitch, just a little, at these few things:

1) The chick that lives on my block who drives the Green Honda CR-V, which she conveniently parks three feet from the curb. At first I thought that she was just a moron that can't parallel park, but then! Then! One day I was spying on her from my window, and she pulled up to her apartment, parked her car in the middle of the DOUBLE-WIDE street with no blinkers on, and ran inside for about 15 minutes. 15 minutes! I am very compelled to write her a Note telling her how much I despise her piss-poor and extremely rude parking habits, despite what my mom says about Nice People Not Leaving Notes.

2) Hair static. I've pretty much spent this entire winter looking like I'm touching one of those electric ball thing-ys at the science museum.

3) Pretzel heartburn. Those rods aren't sittin' too well.

There. I'm done. Really I was just mad at Number 1, and it is because of Number 1 that Numbers 2 and 3 are annoying me right now. So I will forget about it and get happy, already.

Other, non-pissy things:

1) I spent most of my weekend inside my apartment. So much so that I was telling Sharyn that I think Mojo and Babe started getting tired of me. You know you’ve reached a new low in anti-socialness when the animals that are supposed to love you unconditionally get tired of you.

2) Steve and I beat the System and found a White Pearl DS Lite on Amazon for me. Every store on God’s Green Earth has been out of them since Christmas, with no mention of when they might come in. My new toy should be coming in the mail today. It can’t come at a better time, either, seeing as how in the month or so since I assumed Steve’s old DS, I have:

a) Dropped it on the ground so that the upper screen is half broken off; and,
b) Lost not one, but two styluses (styli?)

He's convinced that I'm going to treat this new one much better than his old one. Damn boyfriend knows me too well, I'm afraid.

3) Steve and I started watching Season One of "Twin Peaks." The first episode I really enjoyed. I enjoyed the second as well, though the dream sequence at the end freaked me out more than I would like to admit to you, Internet. I’ve never seen “Twin Peaks” before, because when it actually aired, my parents would say, “Go upstairs” when it came on. Probably a wise move, if it creeped me out in 2007. Steve and I are also trying to find a spare 3.5 hours to go see David Lynch’s new mindf**k, “Inland Empire.” Three and a half hours! It better be good, because I have to say that I didn't care for "Mulholland Drive." I actually don't know any chicks that liked that movie, but several boys who thought it was awesome, which I think is just because there was girl-on-girl action.

Moving on!

4) I got new glasses yesterday. It was quite exciting, because I could barely see out of my scratched glasses. They were all banged up due to a UV coating that started flaking off 2.5 seconds after I got them, and also because I'm a shitty glasses owner. Case in point: last Friday we were searching around frantically in the morning trying to find my glasses, which I had fallen asleep wearing, that were conveniently wedged between the mattress and the wall.

I went a little wild with my frames. Yes, they're yellow. It all stemmed from a pair of yellow glasses I tried on a while ago that I absolutely loved, and I had my heart set on that color. I think the b.f. might be secretly hating them....or maybe not-so-secretly hating them, because a few quips about Elton John did escape his lips. Pictures will follow when I get more used to my own face with them on.

5) Last, but certainly not least, finding magic daily is a new Flickr group started by .Catina Jane Arts . I think it’s a good way to try and look at the things around you in a different light. You know, to get away from the “Oh My God Every Day Is The Same And If I Have To Look At This Thing That I See Every Damn Day One More Time, I Swear To God I’m Going To Throw It Out The Window” mode of thinking that I know I myself am usually in. Which is probably why I buy alot of stuff.

And with that, I'm out.

Five things meme

Jeff recently tagged me to post five things that my friends might not know about me. He'd just done it for himself, and I had just finished reading EEK’s entry on 6 reasons why you should date her. Both of these entries were quite hilarious. Needless to say, I have very tough shoes to fill.

Here’s some other reasons I hadn’t done the “5 Things Meme" yet:

a) In real life, I tend to suffer from “diarrhea of the mouth.” There are times when I will be talking to someone, and I actually see his eyes glazing over as I go on and on. By this point, though, oh my God! I can’t seem to stop myself! I keep going! Talking about nothing! Then, afterwards, I writhe in embarrassment that I wasn’t able to shut myself up.

b) I don’t feel like five very notable things have happened to me, yet. Maybe three. I could probably come up with three. Five? Five is going to be a stretch.

But: Jeff is a darling man. I love him to death. So I will do this for him, to maybe fill up some of his time in New Zealand that isn’t spent traveling, meeting awesome people, or surfing. Jeff, I kid. Really he does more than that, I'm just being jealous-y.

So here goes nothing.

1) CREEPY-TOWN BROWN:

Most of the time, the pupils in my eyes are two different sizes. This is from a surgery I had a couple of years ago to remove a benign, egg-shaped tumor from my neck. The funny thing is that noone – not family, the significant other, or myself – noticed this until two years later, when my current boss looked me in the face and said “Why are your pupils two different sizes?”

2) ALL IN THE FAMILY:

Speaking of family, even though they don’t seem to catch little details like my Crazy Eyes, I am ridiculously close with them. The immediate family, that is. The extended family….well, not so much. In fact, my grandpa once referred to me in a Christmas card as “(Mom) and (Dad)’s other daughter.” I forgave him though, may he rest in peace.

No, but really, my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew are my Most Important People. Steve is up there, too, but he knows that if he ever did something Unkind to them (and it’d have to be pretty bad, my family worships that guy), he would be out the door in a minute.

I talk to my mom and sister at least every other day (often more), see them maybe once a week, and every June all of us go stay in a small cabin in Wisconsin. And we have fun! Really!

The only drawback to this whole situation is that my family has all settled in the greater Chicagoland area. Steve and I will be able to afford a house anywhere near my sister or my parents in, oh, about 2040.

I think I’m really lucky to have a relationship like this, most of the time. If I really thought about it, though, I could probably equate not really having any close, close friends to my remarkable family relationship, but, you know, why dwell on the negative?

3) I AM A LOSER:

I have never been out of the country. Strike that, I have been out of the country once, which was for five minutes to get gas in Canada. I know, this is a Terrible Thing. I usually like to use the excuse that I’ve been in school forever, but, well, there were study abroad programs I probably could have done, and most of my friends have been in school forever, too, and they've left the U. S. of A. So there's really nothing stopping me except my own inhibitions and my tendency to spend all of my money. Also, one could say that I might just be that lazy that I just don’t take the time to make the plans. I am going to give myself until 2008 to rectify this.

4) STICKS AND STONES:

I have “fat kid syndrome.” By that I mean that I was chubby as a kid, and no matter how thin I might be, there is a little part of me that always remembers what it was like to be mocked and ridiculed. I remember every kid’s name that ever made fun of me. I actually have fantasies of going back in time - with my 2007 cache of insults at hand – and raising hell to each and every one of them. I cry when movies have fat little kids ("Bad Santa" ruined me for days). Part of me thinks it is utterly ridiculous to still be this way, another part of me (the larger part – no pun intended) accepts this as my Status Quo, accepting that I will never be able to unconsciously throw food in my mouth, like some people I know (my boyfriend), without considering what it will do to my (Buddha-ish) belly. Such is life.

5) AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:

If I could have my way, I would forget this 9 to 5 job, or that Master’s degree I’m working on, and just make crafts and miniatures for a living. If anyone knows of any job openings doing exactly that, give me a holler.

*****

That's it. If you haven't fallen asleep by the end of this, you are a very good friend, and a faithful reader. Let's have coffee sometime, you and me.

One more reason I'm maintaining my "I don't swim in oceans or lakes" stance.

This FrilledShark was found off the coast of Japan a few days ago. Apparently their natural habitat is so far down in the ocean that little is known about them, and this is the first one to be caught alive. Read the full story here.

I've already spoken of my chronic and completely unfounded fear of Scary Things In The Water, and this is just one more creature that will probably trickle into my subconscious and make me wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

Yay.

Bear down.

Intense but fun weekend. Lots of laughing, dancing, and listening to the nephew say his own name.

But any Chicagoan right now could tell you what the real highlight of their weekend was...

Another reason I might not ever finish that Master's Degree.

This conversation actually took place:

"Em, come to bed."

"Ok, ok, but before I do, I just have to pay my mortgage, catch some fish, mail two letters and get my fossils appraised. I'll be right there."

A call you never wish to make.

Betty, Vet Tech: “(Name of vet clinic), may I help you?”

Me: “Umm…yes, I was wondering if I could speak to Dr. (Mojo’s vet), please?”

Betty: “Oh, Dr. (Mojo’s vet) isn’t here today, is there something I can help you with?”

Me: “Well, umm, I’m not sure. I guess so. I don’t know if I should speak with someone or not? You see, yesterday…the last two walks my dog’s gone one…both times he pooped, and, well, in the poop that he did at lunch I noticed there was a whole condom in it, and my boyfriend said there were parts of one in his evening poop.”

To Betty’s credit, she took the whole situation in stride. Perhaps she hears this kind of thing all the time. I would like to think so, but if she doesn’t, at least she pretended that she does. She asked me if Moj was listless (no), vomiting (no), if his habits have changed (he is still a turd), and if he’s eating normally (definitely). Since I gave her the all-clear on those, she told me just to watch for constipation, bloody stool, or diarrhea. If none of those things happen, he should have passed anything odd that he ate within 48 hours.

What I didn’t tell Betty is that I am even more grossed out because:

1) There are not any of the afore-mentioned items in my house, so they are of unknown origin, and,
2) There were no bits of foil or heavy paper in the poop, leading Steve and I to the conclusion that they were probably already used.

I just puked a little bit in my mouth typing up that list.

Anyways, in about five minutes I’m headed out to lunch, where I will go home, suit up the dog, and take him for (hopefully?) another Prophylactic Poop Parade. I guess we’ve dodged a bullet here. Something really horrible could have happened, like the condoms blocking his intestines up. But in dodging a bullet, I feel like I have smacked into a big, slimy, wall o’ Disgusting.

Before I end this, though, I’m going to put up this photo of Moj I took the other day, to remind me how freakin’ adorable he is, how much I love him and how, deep down, I know that every piece of condom-y crap that I pick up will make me feel incredibly grateful that nothing worse happened to him.




Moj is also proudly displaying his collar bling here – an orange and blue “M” that he has worn since the Bears football season began, and he will (shockingly) continue to wear at least through next Sunday, because two days ago we won our first of 2 playoff games. Whoa.