TRUly a SIGHT to BEhold!

I have these bad weeks sometimes, where I feel like the Asian Howard Cosell drag racing commentators from "Better Off Dead" are narrating all the stupid shit that keeps happening to me.

Examples:

Monday:
WILL Emily's landlord ever call her BACK so she can get into her apartment beFORE the dogs piss everywhere? Can she keep her COOL when the landlord tries to blame the broken lock on her for WIGGLING THE LOCK TOO MUCH?
No. Apparently, I can't control myself when I'm filled with the blinding-white rage.

Tuesday:
Can Emily walk MOJO through the PETSMART without him taking a SHIT on the floor?
No. Actually, no times two. He shat twice.

Wednesday:
WILL Emily get up the ENERGY to do the laundry because she HAS NO SOCKS?
Nope. Looks like tomorrow's an obligatory dress-up-with-skirt day, so I can wear some tights instead.

So, yeah. This week? Lametown. On the flipside, even though it's like 13 degrees outside or something, my body has decided it's had enough of this winter BULLSHIT, and apparently I've become impervious to cold. Seriously. I could go run outside in my underwear. Is this how Inuits feel all the time?

NIU Shooting.

Our Valentine's Day has been a bit sidetracked by waiting to hear if Steve's brother was ok in the aftermath of the shootings at NIU, since he's a student there, and his apartment is within a block of where the shootings happened. He's ok, we're still waiting for word on a family friend, and we're waiting for his block to be opened back up before anyone goes and gets him.

This is bullshit. I am so tired of these random murder/suicides. If it's your prerogative to blow your brains out, do it on your own. There is no need to turn it into a senseless, angry, and deadly Pity Party.

I hate people sometimes.

Knitting it, just a little bit.

So, want some money from me? Probably, because EVERYONE SEEMS TO WANT MONEY FROM ME RIGHT NOW. If it's not one thing, it's the next. Jesus. The Jeep's power steering pump needs to be replaced. $370 later, the ol' girl is running like a champ. Which I'm really glad about, because have you ever lost your power steering? It's TOTALLY AWESOME. And by "awesome" I mean I was dictating my will to myself every time I tried to make a turn.

Ball sack.

****

Let's see....what else has been going on. Oh, right. This winter. Brutal, man. All I can do is sit around, knit, and watch documentaries about Mormons on PBS.

I think I can justify watching so much television if I'm being productive while I'm doing it. Here are the things I've made while watching my beloved PBS:

Slipper socks:

Finished while watching "The Mummy Who Would Be King".

Elephant for Steve:

Finished while watching "Oprah's Roots", which, FYI, weren't as interesting as I think she would have liked them to be. Ha HA.

First two pieces of Mystery Knitting Project 3000:


Finished while watching the Superbowl, and then watching "African American Lives 2," Part One.

And, finally, a slice of birthday cake for my friend Jenny, who turns 27 today:

Finished while watching Part Two of "African American Lives 2," and begun while mooning over Colin Firth while viewing "Pride and Prejudice" for the five-millionth time.

So there you go. It's gotten to the point where checking PBS has become part of my morning routine. I use it to plan the rest of my day. Oh, Steve, you wanted to go out for a romantic dinner? Sorry, can't. New episode of the Roadshow.

****

Lastly, I have been wearing the same pants to work for the last three days. I justified this because underneath the pants I have been wearing Steve's long underwear for extra warmth. I love doing that, despite feeling fat all day because I'm wearing two pairs of pants, and having to stuff all the extra fabric in the long underwear's crotch down one pant leg.

Anyways, I decided I would break the monotony and wear a different pair of pants today, so I pulled out another pair of pants from my soul-less, uncomfortable biz-casz cache. And guess what? When I get to work, I notice there's a big, freakin, post-wash stain on the leg. So I look even MORE ghetto than I did when I was wearing the same pants for three days. Awesome. I'm done. I will no longer make an effort. I am teetering on the brink of just getting it over with and wearing sweatpants.

Blogger suicide.

I know this is one of the biggest No-Nos of the blogging world, to post a survey. And not just post a survey, mind you, but post a survey from MYSPACE, of all places.

But, I have been holed-up in the house in the midst of a craaaazy winter depression, a depression of the "Fuck, I'm cold, I'm not going to leave my house until it's 60 degrees again. See you in April" kind. So this is all I've got.

"The Survey of Surveys," or, "Why Do You Care Where My Dad Is?"

What level do you play in Guitar Hero?
Oh, I'm absolutely abysmal at GH. But my man's pretty awesome at it.

Are you wearing jeans right now?
No, I'm in a robe. Just got out of the shower, you see. An hour ago.

Where is your dad?
What, you looking for him?

Do you live with both of your parents?
Neither, just two dogs. The Guitar Hero wunderkind comes and visits from time to time. Actually, he's asleep on my couch right now, the leech.

Do you think too much or too little?
Too much.

Do you smile a lot?
I suppose.

How much is gas where u live?
$3.49. And I drive a Jeep. Death!

What was the last compliment you received, and when?
Steve squeezed my arm and said, "Boy, I can tell you've been working out." Obviously he's full of crap.

Have you ever flown in a plane?
Yeah. Won't say how much though because the small number will depress me.

Are you for or against abortion?
I'm pro-choice, but if I were to make an "oops" I'd probably have it myself.

Do you prefer to call or text?
Text. Isn't that sad? I hate talking on the phone.

Do you have any siblings?
A sister.

Are you close with them?
Schyeah.

How many people do you trust 100%?
Several.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
My robe? Don't know, I got it a bajillion years ago. The sweatshirt I'm going to wear today, though, is from the J. Crew outlet. Hey, what's up with their sizing? Their stuff is HUGE. My sweatshirt is a woman's small and believe me, that cannot be farther from the truth.

What's the last movie you saw in the theater?
"There Will Be Blood." Hoo boy.

Can you live without the computer?
Probably not.

When was the last time you got flowers?
NEVER, STEVE.

Do you wish at 11:11?
Sometimes I do, and I still say "rabbit rabbit" on the first day of the month. Absolute jack-shit has happened doing either of these things.

Do you have any piercings?
Ears and nose.

Who was the last person you laid in bed with?
Well, that's pretty forward.

Whats your middle name?
Allwood. I know, right?

How big is your bed?
I think it's a full. But I buy queen-sized comforters so I can be enveloped in softness.

Ever get so drunk you couldn't remember the entire night?
Nope. That's crazy-town, man.

Can you play any instruments?
Used to play saxophone, clarinet, flute, piccolo, and tenor saxophone. God, I was so ambitious as a kid.

Are you hiding something from someone?
Not that I know of. Maybe the 50-piece set of plastic tools I bought for my nephew.

Are you a giver or a taker?
Umm. I'd say I'm 50/50.
.
.
.
.
.
Ok, maybe 60/40 taker....

What was your first thought when you looked in the mirror this morning?
"Sheesh."

Do you like your hair long or short?
Umm, shorter. Steve likes it long. To which I say, "YOU STYLE IT, THEN."

Have you memorized your social security number?
Yeah, ever since they printed it wrong on my first license, and I went to fill out college applications and they were all, "Umm, hey, you don't exist."

Who is your favorite family member?
I don't play favorites. Alright, I do. Probably my nephew.

When was the last time you cried?
Last night! I was cleaning the kitchen and listening to my iPod. Oh man, for some reason, Iron&Wine's "Dead Man's Will," with Calexico, can make me cry. I always lose it at the line "Give this string to my mother/it pulled the baby teeth she keeps inside the drawer." Then I also always cry when I hear the Eel's version of Daniel Johnston's "Living Life," you know, at the part, "Hold me like a mother would/like I've always known that somebody should/although tomorrow, it don't look so good." I know it seems really strange, but I can imagine dancing with Steve to this song at our wedding, if ever that happened. STEVE.

How many people have broken your heart?
Gah. A few.

Do you trust people easily?
Hmm. I would say no.

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
Don't know. I won't jinx anything. STEVE.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
Maybe out of my apartment...that'd be pretty awesome. I mean, I love the indoor/outdoor carpeting, but....oh wait, I hate it.

Where were you at 9pm last Friday night?
Headin' to Steak N' Shake!

What happened at 10:00 am today?
My mom called, saying, "HOLD OFF ON LEAVING FOR THE MUSEUM OF SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY, [Nephew's name] JUST THREW UP IN THE CAR." So now it's 10:54, and I'm waiting to see if this family outing is a "go."

Is your family just a bundle of fun?
See above. Just kidding. Hmm. Immediate family? Sure. Extended family, not so much.

When did you last cry hysterically?
Oh man, it was probably only a week ago, about something stupid like the house not being clean. BUT, if you want to know when I really, really cried because everything was completely out of control, well, that would have been in February, 2006.

Do you laugh at all the wrong times?
Sometimes I do, but I can laugh at the right times, too.

A couple things:

1. Last night in the Target parking lot, we pulled up behind a guy whose license plate read "MOJASM." I immediately began ripping my purse apart to find my camera, until Steve wisely pointed out that a guy that has a MOJASM vanity plate probably isn't the sort of guy you want to possibly catch you taking a picture of their car. Wise man, Steve is.

2. I ordered some stuff online from Old Navy a few days ago, pretty much ONLY because I have a shopping problem and it's been slow at work. Anyways, very minimal damage was done because Old Navy was having RIDICULOUS sales, and the package came in the mail today. Although, when I opened it up, my two sweaters were there, but the cute little shoes that were supposed to be in there weren't. No, instead, there was a pair of KID'S BLACK COTTON SHORTS. What? I didn't just get the wrong shoe, I got the wrong PRODUCT. Anywho, I called Customer Service, they fixed it right away and my shoes are headed here, and they even gave me a 10% discount coupon. The representative asked me if I wanted to use the 10% on getting something else right then, or save it. I told her SAVE IT, because between this situation and having to haggle for WEEKS with the post office to surrender my Christmas gift from my boss to me, I am DONE with ordering shit on the Intarwebs for a while. And by a while, I mean until probably this weekend, because I reallyreallyreally need that GorillaPod.

3. A chick at work sent this YouTube video of the 16-year old Cajun music wunderkind Hunter Hayes performing with Hank Williams, Jr. about 10 years ago. Sadly, though, I have to say that instead of being all, "Wow, that little kid plays a mean accordian," I instead spent most of the time watching and admiring Hank Jr.'s sweet cowboy boots. I guess once the cowboy-boot fever gets a hold of you, you never go back.



I'm more out than Seacrest.

Killing me softly with cuteness.

Have you seen this?

Turtle Tricks!

Oh.
My.
God.

Can I put "turtle" on my Amazon Wish List?

Pshaw.

So did any of you watch the Golden Globes winners announcement? How completely lame. The only thing that was remotely interesting and humorous was watching Billy Bush's face right after he'd tell a joke or make a witty quip that wasn't remotely funny, nor witty. This look of dread would come over his face, like he had just then realized that he was on live television, and that, oh my God, there were no writers to make him even remotely funny.

Also, this stupid format went by so fast that we only caught about half of the winners they announced, so we had to immediately load the list of winners on the old compooper after the show ended.



Basically, we just wanted to make double-sure that Daniel Day-Lewis won Best Actor in a Drama for "There Will Be Blood." Sorry, Johhny, but your Sweeney Todd is going to get completely SMOKED by DDL's Daniel Plainview, once we get real and lump "comedies and musicals" back together with everything else, come Oscar time.

****

This afternoon, when I came in from walking the dogs, I noticed that I had run out of the usual after-pooping reward of baby carrots, so I had to switch it up on my pooches, and give them a Saltine each.

I know it sounds like I'm the worst dog parent EVER, but I can't give my dogs regular dog treats because their weight needs to be constantly, obsessively monitored. The slightest weight gain, and I get balled out by their vet, because weight gain in dachshunds can lead to back problems. Back problems could then lead to them possibly slipping a disc, and in the worst-case scenario, they will lose the feeling in their back legs completely.

Anyways, back to the Saltines. Moj and Mox took the Saltines so excitedly. And while I was watching this completely unabashed excitement, I tacked that moment on to my list of 3,587,944 Reasons Why Being A Dog Is Better Than Being A Human. They were soooo excited about Saltines, man. That is some hardcore Quality of Life right there.